在我的人生歷程裡，就像童話故事的醜小鴨，從小我在缺乏愛的環境中成長，7歲那年，我以哭鬧的方式，央求母親買洋娃娃，遭來一頓毒打，首次感到委屈；8歲參與補習班，因學業進度落後，遭受老師的體罰，首次經驗自卑；9歲以錯誤的方式，與兄姐玩樂，但他們卻受到母親打罵的無妄之災，自此對我敬而遠之，我首次感到孤獨；14歲發生堂哥的霸淩，首次對男生產生恐懼。這些事件讓我經歷委屈、孤獨、自卑、恐懼的心理狀態，互相交織成自我衝突，長大後，為了能達到自我認同，渴望能成為內外合一的人，因而努力化解內在衝突。因此，我透過Erikson(1963)從心理社會發展論觀點：每階段的認同形成，都是前一個階段的再整合，若未成功發展，將會產生心理危機，不自覺延續影響下一個階段的發展。
猶記10歲交白卷的情景，導致母親放棄我和哥哥的教養，浮現孤獨，再經驗委屈和自卑，同一年回臺交由奶奶接棒，承受著她的權威式教育，無法與她抗衡，無形中壓抑自己的情緒，在委屈下，伴隨著自卑及孤獨；13歲得到憂鬱症的症狀，無法宣洩情緒，而感到委屈，跟隨自卑與孤獨；16歲與奶奶發生選擇五專學校的孤獨，同時發生委屈、自卑及恐懼；20歲因母親回臺，產生婆媳衝突，我感到恐懼，亦經驗委屈、自卑及孤獨；以及21歲堂哥口語的咄咄逼人，而感到自卑，承載著委屈、恐懼及孤獨。這些故事都源自於我缺乏愛，因上一個階段未化解，接續下一個階段交織而成的衝突，但是，長大後的我，藉由自我敘說的契機，將過去的傷痕逐漸化解並轉化，與母親的心結，仍須依靠時間感化，如今這些傷痛，透過自我敘說解惑內心的桎梏，努力轉化成長，讓未來將成為幼教師的我，才能成為他們的典範，最後期望自己和所有幼教師，應該正視童年創傷，化解內在衝突，因為唯有成為一位身心健康的人，方有能力培養正向人格的幼兒。

My life experience is similar to that of the Ugly Duckling. I grew up in a loveless environment. At the age of 7, I cried and begged my mother to buy me a doll, only to receive a severe beating, which was when I felt aggrieved for the first time. When I was 8 years old, I attended a tutoring class, where I suffered physical punishment from the teacher for lagging behind in my studies. For the first time, I experienced low self-esteem. At 9 years old, I was having fun with my older siblings in the wrong way, which caused them to be unexpectedly and undeservedly scolded by my mother. Ever since then, they have been turning away from me, which made me feel lonely for the first time. When I was 14 years old, I was bullied by my cousin, and I first developed a fear of boys. These events put me in the mental states of aggrievement, loneliness, low self-esteem, and fear, which further intertwined into self-conflict. After growing up, I tried to resolve my inner conflicts in order to achieve self-identification and to become a person of internal and external conformity. Therefore, I developed my standpoints through Erikson (1963)’s Stages of Psychosocial Development, which states that the identity formation at each stage is a reintegration of the previous stage, and if it is not successfully developed, a psychological crisis will arise and unconsciously continue to affect the development at the next stage.
I still remember the incident when I handed in a blank examination paper at the age of 10, which caused my mother to give up raising my brother and me. I suffered terribly. In the same year, I returned to Taiwan and my grandmother took over the responsibility to raise me. Under her authoritative education, I was unable to fight against her, and had to suppress my emotions. Feeling aggrieved, along with the sense of low self-esteem and loneliness, I started to show symptoms of depression at the age of 13. I was unable to vent my emotions. At 16 years old, I felt lonely while selecting a Five-year Junior College Program with my grandmother. When I was 20 years old, my mother returned to Taiwan and had conflicts with my grandmother, which led me to feel frightened, aggrieved, self-abased, and lonely. In addition, my 21-year-old cousin’s aggressive language made me feel inferior, burdening me with me with the same despair and emotions. These stories all originated from my lack of love, with the unresolved problems from the previous stage continuing to persist and intertwining with those at the next stage to develop into conflicts. However, as I grew up, I took the opportunity of self-narrative to gradually heal and transform the wounds of the past. I still need to untie the knot in my heart to get rid of the conflict with my mother. Through self-narrative, I unraveled the shackles within and tried to transform these wounds into personal growth, so that I, as a future preschool educator, can become a model for the children. Finally, I hope that all preschool teachers and myself will face up to our childhood trauma and resolve the internal conflicts, because only by becoming a physically and mentally healthy person will we be able to raise children with positive personalities

第一章 自我衝突的楔子 1
第二章 苦不堪言的委屈 13
第一節 響起掌聲的委屈 13
第二節 酸甜苦辣的滋味 23
第三節 病從心來 34
第四節 小屈大伸 42
第三章 自慚形穢的自卑 47
第一節　學習如夢魘 47
第二節　赤口白舌的言語 63
第三節　化卑昇華之路 69
第四章　無知之下的孤獨 73
第一節　行為的背後 73
第二節　吊形弔影的行為 80
第三節　主宰的人生 86
第四節　煢煢中曙光乍現 95
第五章　寒心鼻酸的恐懼 101
第一節　被隱藏的種子 101
第二節　願母親不再出現 109
第三節　解開內心的囹圄 117
第六章　自我敘說的力量 123
第一節　成長之路 123
第二節　自我衝突的反省 130
後記 137
參考書目 143
一、中文部分 143
二、英文部分 146

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